


Handsome

by wynnebat



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Inappropriate Erections, M/M, Serpentine Voldemort, what (not) to do when you have a hot mortal enemy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-19
Updated: 2017-12-19
Packaged: 2019-02-17 04:11:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13068861
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wynnebat/pseuds/wynnebat
Summary: All of Harry's problems can be blamed on Voldemort, but Merlin, he wishes he could blame someone else for this particular one.





	Handsome

**Author's Note:**

> [Just](https://greenmornings.tumblr.com/post/167677252841/mau-demort-fairygirl34-vvarela-vertibird) [saying](http://zombu7.tumblr.com/post/167895099481/i-was-trying-to-practice-how-to-draw-lord-v-and) ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The thing was, Harry had already gone through the stages of horror, denial, and acceptance of finding Tom Marvolo Riddle ridiculously attractive. Back in second year, when half the school had fallen in love with Lockhart, Harry had been forced to confront the fact that while he didn’t like Lockhart in any way (thank Merlin), it hadn’t been because Lockhart was male. Puberty was awkward and stupid and resulted in Harry’s eyes lingering on both boys and girls, though not very often. A few quidditch players, the Weasley twins (not that Harry would ever tell Ron), a girl a year ahead of them whose name he didn’t know but who was always in the library around the same time as him and Hermione… And a memory in a diary, which Harry had deemed the most benign of his fleeting attractions. Tom was so handsome, but he wasn’t a real person who could notice Harry’s blush and tease him about it until the end of time.

And then Tom became the real monster of Slytherin, the boy who would become Voldemort, and Harry pushed Tom so far out of his conscious mind that Tom had landed into Harry’s wet dreams the summer after second year. Embarrassment, thy name was Harry Potter. But after a while Harry decided that trying to control his dick was a thing doomed to failure, so he gave into the fact that he found mini Voldemort hot.

When Voldemort stepped out of that cauldron in his fourth year, Harry’s conscious mind had one beautiful moment of deciding that okay, now that Voldemort had a body that looked nothing like his younger self, that attraction would flush itself out of his system. And then, eyes wide, Harry watched Voldemort throw a robe over all that deathly pale skin and prayed hard. _Please don_ _’t let me die here, I can’t face Mum and Dad after this._ But that was okay, since Harry was pretty sure finding Voldemort still so fucking hot would slide him right down to hell.

“I can finally touch you,” Voldemort had hissed, eyes glowing red as he pressed a finger to Harry’s scar, and Harry had just about died. Only the fact that he needed to warn everyone about Voldemort’s resurrection kept him from closing his eyes and wishing the world would end.

That summer, Harry once again went through the horror stage, but he found himself stuck in denial. Compartmentalizing things really well and trying not to think about it too much was probably the best way to deal with the fact that he was attracted to his mortal enemy. Maybe he could ask Dumbledore to obliviate him later. That sounded like the healthiest way to deal with this.

And then the ministry battle happened at the end of his fifth year and Voldemort appeared, to which a furious Harry yelled, “How dare you show your handsome face in the ministry!”

His anger fizzled right out into embarrassment when he realized what exactly he’d said, but the forces of the universe refused to align and make time go back just a few seconds.

Voldemort stopped whatever speech he was about to go into.

Sirius looked like he was about to faint and let out a weak, “What.”

Bellatrix just nodded happily. “Isn’t he? At least you appreciate proper beauty.”

Harry tried to die for having something in common with Bellatrix, but sadly no one was trying to shoot a killing curse at him.

“Potter,” Voldemort hissed, which Harry also found totally un-hot. “You’re a bit young for me, but if I haven’t managed to kill you in a few years, seek me out.”

“Never,” Harry replied, very valiantly.

Voldemort’s face did a shifty thing that Harry recognized as the motion to raise an eyebrow, though there weren’t any brows over Voldemort’s creepy red eyes. Also not hot.

“…is seventeen too young for you?”

**Author's Note:**

> For more ridiculousness: [Tumblr](https://crownwithoutstones.tumblr.com/).


End file.
